Retro Game Collection - My Story of hurt and recovery (Autism,OCD,PTSD)

Ever since I was 7 years old I've always had a computer or console in some form, I started with the Amstrad CPC 464, the Commodore Amiga and then a 468 PC my Dad got me. Throughout my childhood at School I was bullied almost felt like torture with bruised bones from the endless kicking and punching just because I was slightly overweight and being Autistic. Didn't matter what School I went to, I was treated like utter scum that should not even exist.. Yes suicide was thought of many times, but in the end I just shut myself away. In fact that was my entire childhood, even homelife was bad! And although my mum did try, she was suffering herself with scars from her own life experiences (Her mum beat her).

But through those years, what did help get me through so many tough times, was retro gaming. Yes it didn't do me any good dealing with "THE REAL WORLD", but loading up my Amstrad CPC or my Commodore Amiga and I could leave the life behind mentally and put myself in a world of wonder and mystery. I could never get into books, but closing that door, shutting everything out and playing games for hours on end, harmful thoughts was put aside. I mean the amount of hours playing Green Beret on the Amstrad, or Deuteros, Dragons Breath and Wings on the Amiga was something of wonder for a young autistic mind.

What seemed like an eternity, the time came when I left school. However even with that, for many years even as a young adult I never really recovered. Being diagnosed in the 2000's with Autism, then OCD and finally PTSD. My mum was still trying, but there were times when I became very aggressive not at her, but at myself. " I hate myself, I hate myself when can I end it all " she heard that line so many times. Counselling was an utter waste of time too, 12 sessions and your done we can't help you. 

Through lots of persistence and such kind nature is my Mum, I ended up doing more and more, I started to actually talk to people and then it happened......Retrogaming! I wanted to re-live the better part of my childhood and I wanted to share my love of it with the world. At first I started collecting Amstrad tapes, then the Commodore Amiga, and finally other systems came through too (ZX Spectrum, Sega Mega Drive, NES, MSX). In fact Indie Retro News didn't start as a website as such, but it started as forum posts, telling people about the latest games. I ended up talking (online) to others and involved myself in some way with other online communities as well. There are so many kind people out there, I wish I had them as friends growing up!

So how are things now? Well I'm not the same person as I was all those years ago, but the scars are still there as my girlfriend knows too well. I still have trouble dealing with certain situations and I can make people turn against me very quickly even today, The Autism part of me says this is what you believe in, you have a right to say that and should. The OCD is life controlling too, negative thoughts constantly, doing things repetitively over and over again to the point of banging your head up against a wall. I've also been betrayed and back stabbed a number of times by the very community that want the earth from you, but will sooner vanish in kind.

But there is something else that has been bugging me and it's starting to hurt...Money! At some point I will have to say bye to it, the retro game collection. I can't keep struggling day by day, while looking at memories just sitting there. Sure I'll keep a few things, those that I had good times with my Dad, good times with my Mum. But the road to recovery is a long one, and maybe one day I can say... I'm truly happy!

Signing off

Neil